Remember that time when...

I hadn't had a weird dream in FOREVER and I just had one last night? Oh yeah, that was now.

I dreamt that I was on a boat in the middle of the ocean and someone knocked over my mom's purse into the water. I immediately dove into the water without thinking and swam to save my mom's purse. I then realized my cell phone was in my pocket so I took it out and tossed it to my sister. I got my mom's bag and got back onto the boat. My phone was completely broken. I went inside of the boat to try and find rice and an air tight container to try and fix my phone. I found an air tight container vending machine, that happened to be in the music wing of PV, but I couldn't find any rice.
Then, I went into the bathroom of my house and realized that I was completely surrounded by colorful loofahs, and then I woke up.

Do you ever do something SO stupid

that you actually wonder how you're going to fall asleep at night? I don't know about anyone else, but I don't have time for anything during the day. Ever. I don't have time to think about anything freely. During school I'm always thinking about math, english, physics, history, and french. Then, I go home and think about those things some more. And then a little bit more.

Anyway, my point is, the only time I ever have to think is late at night. And this is why I never sleep. Have you ever tried to fall asleep with a lot on your mind? It doesn't happen. My mind is telling me to just clear and think about nothing but as I fall asleep, more and more things come into my mind. I have to listen to music to fall asleep most of the time because it's the only thing to distract me. I used to think I had sleeping problems because I could never fall asleep. I soon realized it was just because I think too much.

Sometimes there are times when it has nothing to do with thinking on my own free will. It's when my emotions are so overwhelming that I CAN'T sleep no matter how hard I try.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

It's that time you made someone feel bad and you want to apologize right that second, but it's not gonna happen.
It's that person that made you feel bad and you're just so upset about it.
It's that fight you had right before you went to bed and you're SO angry thinking up what you're going to say to that person the next day.
It's how upset you are about your favorite broadway show closing.
It's how nervous you are for your history test the next day and you know you should have studied a little bit more but you were just having too good a conversation with someone on Facebook IM.
It's that person you like so much and you wish you could just tell them without the negative consequences.
Especially though, it's that time you KNOW you did something wrong or stupid and you spend half the night wishing you could take it back, or thinking of what you could have done differently.

Sometimes, your mind clears for a few minutes and you get those couple minutes of relief. And you feel yourself finally drifting off to sleep. And all of a sudden a song on your iPod comes on that happens to be ten times louder than any of the other songs. And you're jolted awake for that four minute song. And it all begins again.

I can't figure this one out...

I dreamt that I went to the mall with my sister and we got into a fight. She left the mall without me and left me there. I went outside and sat down on a bench. Then somehow, I was homeless. I couldn't go home and I had no one to call. I fell asleep on the overpass by the mall next to the bench I was sitting on and another homeless man came up to me. He looked about old, maybe 80 years old, and he was decrepit. He was holding a stone shaped like a sheet of paper and I asked him if I could borrow it. He said yes, but he was very concerned about getting the stone back. He wanted to make sure I didn't run off with it. I took the stone and started carving words. I wrote one sentence but I can't remember what it said. After that one sentence, the only word I could write was "cat." I wrote "cat" about 8 times on the paper, and then gave up. Then, I passed out again. My mom came and woke me and I showed her the stone and the carvings of the word "cat," but she didn't seem to care. The next thing I knew, I was laying in my bed with the stone, my mom standing over my bed on the right side of me, and the homeless man standing over my bed to the left of me. He was holding a hat in his hand and looked very concerned. When I woke up, I handed him back the stone and without saying a word, I could tell he was thankful. I smiled at him and he hesitated, but then smiled back.

And then I woke up.

I just remembered my dream from last night

and Monica told me to post it. It's really short. Here:

I was outside walking with a bunch of people and it was daytime but there was a huge storm coming so it was dark out. All of a sudden, I went blind out of my left eye and I couldn't keep my eyes open or move (pretty much just like all of my other dreams). I took my cell phone out to call my mom but it wouldn't turn on. I thought maybe it was just the battery pack so I opened the back. Just then, the wind started blowing everywhere and all of the pieces started falling out the back of my phone. I couldn't find the pieces because it was too windy and too dark and I don't remember anything after that.

Why do I keep dreaming about my phone?

Anyone wanna analyze this? Or just tell me that I'm just crazy and this dream means nothing?

I got a burst of inspiration from a text message.

I'm once again going to warn you: this is potentially a big waste of five minutes unless you actually know what I'm talking about. If you don't, I'll probably sound crazy. If you have better things to do, do them.

Sometimes when I meet new people from far away, I wonder, why don't they live closer? Or, I wish they went to my school. I always blamed the town or the school thinking that these people who I care about so much exist in other places, in their own lives in towns that aren't mine, thinking that Hillsdale or Pascack Valley just attracted the wrong crowd. Here's my question: would I really be as good of friends with these distant people if I actually went to school with them? Saw them every day? Had known them since first grade?

I don't think anyone can really answer that question. Maybe a lot of us feel the same.

I know people from all over; I love meeting people, making new friends, and I love the feeling of seeing someone you miss so much for the first time in a while. The anticipation that builds and the adrenaline rush that comes over you is indescribable.

The motivation behind this post: What happens when you miss someone so much that you not only miss them, but the anticipation, too? And what happens when one stops believing in your bond because of distance?

When you have a conflict, whether it's a fight or misunderstanding, there's a new type of adrenaline rush. The kind that breaks you down rather than gives you strength. What's weird is, you can't just drive over and talk things out. Phone calls, texts, e-mails, Facebook, IMs; it's the only way of contact when someone is far away. What happens when they stop answering? Block you out completely? Is it fear and are they being selfish?

And how much worse is it when the person actually warns you they're going to stop answering, trying to explain that the distance is only going to hurt them more?

"I'm not sure if we can talk anymore because the more we talk, the harder it's going to get. I want to but I'm sorry."

Probably once so innocently written by Alex Gaskarth, noticing this truth and putting it into a song, recording it, singing it for a crowd, and speaking for more than just me, he states "I'm falling more in love with the distance put between us."

If you think about it, which I guess Alex Gaskarth did, it's so completely true.

Is the love solely a product of the anticipation and the wanting? And does the want get so strong that it becomes unbearable to even speak anymore?

For example purposes, from 2000-2007, I went to a summer camp (the one which I now work at) and spent eight summers with people from all over, some of which I knew I'd actually never see again. It's extremely difficult to look back on whatever period of time spent and really say, "I spent my time with them to the fullest and I am completely satisfied and content with no regrets."

My horoscope yesterday said almost exactly this:

You wish you could go back in time and change something you did, but you can't look back. You have to look forward.

I've become so used to looking back with respect to the future; it's actually better.

Hahaha oh, and here's my horoscope for today:

Go ahead and get more philosophical today -- get a lot of intellectualizing done.

Life.

Warning: This may be a waste of three or four minutes of your life.

"This must be it, welcome to the New Year.

The drinks were consumed, the plants were destroyed and the hors d'oeuvres dismantled.

I'm not smiling behind this fake veneer.

I am often interrupted or completely ignored,

but most of all I'm bored.

I'm trying to find out if my words have any meaning;

lackluster and full of contempt when it always ends the same.

Why won't you listen to me?"

The New Year is about starting over; resolutions, maybe turning over a new leaf, being nicer, doing better, being happier.

This song, I'm in love with. Justin Pierre expresses the new year in the nonchalant way that it probably should be. Sure, it's the new year, but how about tomorrow? Tomorrow is a new day. Just because it's the new year doesn't mean anything changes.

So far, I would not say anything in my life has changed just because its the new year. I'm still as stressed as I was before; seven days ago. I don't even know if stressed is the word anymore. If this wasn't connected to my english blog and to a bunch of people who read these things once in a while (but probably don't actually care too much), I'd tell you about my day. It was terrific, really. I hope you can sense the sarcasm.

For emotional reasons and for the sole purpose that I'd rather NOT look like a huge...jerk...I will not be posting about my passed two weeks or so, even though you'd probably enjoy reading it very much. Not being sarcastic.

I haven't had any weird dreams lately that I can remember vividly enough to post here, but I promise I'll start eating chocolate before bed or something.

I warned you.